At some point during fertility treatment, many couples realise something unsettling.
You’re no longer lovers.
You’re logistics.
One person manages appointments.
The other tracks injections.
Sex becomes scheduled, discussed, sometimes avoided.
You talk more about hormones than feelings. More about timelines than desire. More about results than connection.
You still love each other. But the relationship starts to feel like a workplace, efficient, functional, emotionally exhausted.
This is what the business of “making a baby” can do to even the strongest marriages.
And no one warns you how easily it happens.
How IVF Turns Intimacy Into Infrastructure
IVF doesn’t just medicalise reproduction. It restructures the relationship.
Suddenly:
● Doctors are in the room, metaphorically and literally
● Calendars dictate intimacy
● Bodies become task-oriented
● Privacy erodes under necessity
Sex stops being spontaneous. It becomes purposeful or disappears entirely. Touch becomes careful. Conversations become procedural.
At a fertility hospital in chennai, couples often arrive united but tired. They’ve done everything together, but somewhere along the way, they stopped being together.
Not because love faded. Because survival took over.
Why Couples Start Feeling Like Colleagues
IVF rewards efficiency, not emotion.
You learn to divide roles quickly. One partner becomes the organiser. The other becomes the supporter. Or the avoider. Or the silent carrier of stress.
This dynamic works short-term. Long-term, it creates distance.
Resentment sneaks in quietly.
● “I’m doing more.”
● “You don’t seem as invested.”
● “I can’t fall apart because someone has to stay functional.”
No one is wrong. Everyone is overwhelmed.
And when stress is chronic, intimacy becomes collateral damage.
The Grief Couples Don’t Name
There is a grief no one talks about.
The grief of losing the version of your relationship that was light.
The grief of missing how desire used to feel unforced.
The grief of needing help with something that once felt natural.
Couples often suppress this grief because they don’t want to sound ungrateful or dramatic.
But unacknowledged grief doesn’t disappear. It shows up as irritability, emotional withdrawal, or numbness.
Recognising this loss doesn’t weaken a marriage. It gives it language.
Why “Just Be Patient” Is Terrible Advice
Well-meaning friends say, “This phase will pass.”
That may be true. But damage can accumulate quietly if couples wait it out without tending to the relationship itself.
IVF is not a pause button on intimacy. It’s a stress test.
The couples who emerge intact aren’t the ones who avoided conflict. They’re the ones who stayed emotionally curious about each other even when romance felt inaccessible.
How to Stop Treating Each Other Like Coworkers
This isn’t about forcing date nights or pretending everything is fine.
It’s about small, intentional shifts.
1. Separate “Treatment Talk” From Relationship Time
Fertility talk expands to fill all available space if you let it.
Set boundaries.
● Not every evening needs to be about protocols
● Not every conversation needs to end in analysis
Choose moments where fertility is off-limits. Even temporarily. Especially temporarily.
This reminds both of you that the relationship existed before treatment, and still does.
2. Redefine Intimacy Beyond Sex
When sex becomes medical, intimacy needs new definitions.
Intimacy can be:
● Shared silence
● Physical closeness without expectation
● Touch that isn’t goal-oriented
● Laughing at something completely unrelated
Reclaiming intimacy doesn’t mean “getting back to normal.” It means adapting without losing connection.
3. Acknowledge That You’re Coping Differently
One of the most corrosive myths in IVF is that couples should struggle the same way.
They don’t.
One partner may want to talk constantly. The other may need distance. One may research obsessively. The other may disengage to survive.
Different coping is not lack of care. It’s difference in nervous systems.
Naming this reduces misinterpretation.
4. Stop Keeping Score
Fertility treatment invites scorekeeping.
Who is injecting.
Who is more emotional.
Who is “stronger.”
This quietly turns partnership into competition.
Remind yourselves often, this is not equal work. It is shared burden.
The goal is not fairness. It’s togetherness.
When Professional Support Isn’t a Failure
Some couples hesitate to seek counselling because they fear it means something is wrong with the marriage.
In reality, therapy during IVF is maintenance, not emergency.
The top fertility hospital in chennai often encourages emotional support alongside medical treatment, not because couples are broken, but because the process is heavy.
Getting support doesn’t mean you’re drifting apart. It means you’re protecting what matters.
What Surviving IVF as a Couple Actually Looks Like
It’s not romantic. It’s not linear. And it’s not Instagram-worthy.
It looks like:
● Apologising more than usual
● Admitting when you’re numb
● Holding space without fixing
● Remembering you are on the same side, even when exhausted
It looks like choosing the relationship in addition to the outcome, not only if the outcome arrives.
A Truth Couples Need to Hear Earlier
IVF can make even deeply loving partners feel disconnected.
That doesn’t mean your marriage is failing.
It means it’s under strain.
Strain doesn’t destroy relationships. Silence does.
You don’t need to perform closeness. You need permission to be honest about distance.
And from that honesty, intimacy, the real kind, can slowly rebuild.
The Takeaway
You are not coworkers.
You are not a project team.
You are not just trying to “get through this.”
You are two people navigating an experience that asks too much and explains too little.
Protecting your marriage during fertility treatment doesn’t mean ignoring the process.
It means remembering that the relationship is not a side effect of the journey.
It’s the reason you started it in the first place.